Indeed, if anyone should read this blog, today was a day for the record books. I am standing on a border between the choices of recovery and the choices of illness. The days are composed of desperate attempts to move to recovery and royally ambivalent slips. I am also at a point where I can at least feel emotions, but have no idea how to deal with these feelings besides the ED/SI. It is so unpredictable and quite scary.
That is one of the most important things I need to learn: how to deal with unpredictability and fear. I know the world is quite complex and unpredictable, but I do not know how to handle such aspects of my existence. How do I reassure myself? And fear governs my existence to a very high degree. For example, tonight I could have stood up for my feelings, but I was too scared. Instead I chose the ED behaviors. I cannot be doing that if I want to heal. I do not deal with fear, I do everything I can to eliminate or squash the feelings. I eat; I purge; I starve; I cut.
I have also been noticing the very, very bad habit I have of using my BODY as a way of attempted communication as opposed to words. (Hence, this blog. . .) I use my body to say LISTEN, SEE, I HURT, I NEED. But at the same time I hate the fact that I need or that I hurt. I realize I ignore ME, but I hate me so much that I do not see the particular strength of listening to such a terrible person, such a terrible body.
My ungodly detachment in life, the mind from the body and emotion from reason just scream out for a way to mesh ME into one ME. It is not as though I have DID, but I have supported very specific aspects--reason and intellect--and hurt other parts--body and emotion. Bringing all my me's together again is crucial to successfully walking this road.
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