Thursday, April 22, 2010


Backstory: I've been in therapy on and off for the last 5 years. Generally, I pretend the ED/SI are the only things I have to face. But that's never been true. So this time, I've been pretty honest about CSA. As a result, I kinda have to rethink a lot of the beliefs I hold. Today, my therapist was trying to make the point to me that I have to relax some of my rigid thought patterns until after I process the trauma (I hate that she calls it trauma, but that is another issue altogether).

And then I get confused. My T always talks about this as something I can resolve, process completely and leave behind and then be pretty much recovered. And once I resolve the abuse, everything else will probably fall into place pretty quickly. It just seems weird there will ever be a time where I have "resolved" everything. I guess part of that confusion is the fact that I've never really lived in a place where CSA was not a part of my life. I have no before CSA to compare to the idea of after resolution.

I don't know what I really am looking for in this post. I am sure I am not alone with these feelings, but I don't really understand where this process is leading. And I know, my T pointed out the first time I asked the question, resolution is different for everybody and the path to recovery is different for everybody, but I am not even sure I understand the goal. I feel a little like I am being led blindfolded down some path that for all I know is a circle and I just will eventually end up here again.

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