Body Image Blues

I know the title is cliche and cheesy, but titles generally are.

Anyway, I actually found typing to be just as good as writing yesterday and I know that I will not get much time at home tonight, I thought I would write a little now. Partially because I've only eaten 400 cals today and really don't want to eat any more. The greater the variance in my weight over time, the more obsessive about the numbers I become. And my weight shifted six pounds in the last three days. So, obsessive day. I think I am a little bloated as well. Also, I am really hating myself right now.

To be honest, I know the self-loathing and general downness are connected to not eating since 5am. And I am trying to convince myself that I really do need to eat. But I am just so disgusted with my body today eating is not an option at all. SO, SO, SO FAT! So, yes, I feel like crap today. Why? The number was high this morning. Then it will probably be higher tonight if I even think about eating something. I really do need to drink something though. Water has no calories.

I ate a ton yesterday. Although in all honesty, it was probably only 3000 cals and it was not really out of control, but it was, I don't know, like fake. It actually was probably just my body trying to avoid pure starvation by eating anything without tasting it.

I cannot get over this. The facts are so clear. Eating is important. If I don't eat, my body will eventually rebel and then I will end up in this cycle again. It is also important that I understand my weight will likely NEVER be crazy. I am too active. If I don't eat, I get tired and depressed and I lose all of my mental energy. I hate it.

What I don't understand is why I care so much about weight. I know it is superficial and boring and mostly meaningless. I know that the marginal impact of weight on my beauty/sexual desirability is nearly zero. I am generally ugly anyway. And my weight has no impact on my intelligence when I maintain a healthy weight.

Honestly, so sick of caring about it, but I don't know how not to care about it. What else would I do all day? Sit around and obsess about being raped by my father? That is a lousy alternative. Maybe I could use that energy for things I love, I just don't know how.