Hmm. . . Ed's creeping up again. In the most ridiculous way. I miss Ed right now; although I have no desire to go back, I kinda want to. I think I miss the high that comes with starving, purging, losing a pound. I hated the emotional roller coaster, but the roller coaster reminds you that you are alive. Perhaps that is where all the SI urges have been coming from of late. I am longing to go back.
You know what, in a sense, this fits in with the other issues that has been stirring around in my mind: longing for my parents to stop being my parents and just let it be. Yes, I am weird; yes, I am fiercely independent; yes, I am not the "bonding" type; and yes, I have definitely broken several of the mores my family has placed upon me. I wish they would let go. Maybe I am not the daughter they wanted, but I am the daughter they got and I am not going to keep trying to change for them. That will kill me at some point. Here's the thing, I wish they would treat me as the rational agent they see everyone else as and stop treating me as the daughter they wish I were.
Little crazy of late.
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