Hmm. . . who knows. . .

Titles are so damn hard. I have started and given up on this post many times. And as a blog post. And as a journal entry. I don't know quite what's going on. I am doing well ED-wise. Really well. Little uncertainties here and there, haven't thrown away DPs yet, but I'm not taking them. Haven't pitched the scale yet, but I don't necessarily get on it very often. And when I do, it doesn't rule my life, just knocks me down a touch. But not to the point where it greatly affects me. Generally, I am happy and content and kinda peaceful.

Maybe it's the weather that has me so. . . well, I don't know, just feeling a little off of late.

Maybe it is my decision to stop seeing my T. (BTW, I stopped seeing my N about a month ago) Neither of these decisions is based upon Ed-logic; both are based on the fact that I was getting a greater benefit not going or really wasn't getting any benefit by going. Too often I ended up frustrated. I actually feel a little guilty for deciding to terminate T and actually ashamed probably, because I am not telling the T, I am simply not going to reschedule.

Maybe it's my decision to not go home for all of winter break, just a few days. It's not that I really want to be home or anything, but my parents seem so distraught. I hate that they act like they love me now, but never did as I was growing up. And their love is couched in insults or degrading of me. For that, and other reasons, I don't want to be around them more than possible. But I hate that they won't accept me for the daughter I am and still try to push me into the son that they wish I were. Whatever it is that is related to me, it isn't good enough. So I have wonderful relationships with profs that are thriving and I am a wonderful student, for my parents, that means that I am not socializing enough with real people. Aren't my profs real people?

So, maybe I am just a tad bit angry. I think I am okay with the fact that I am angry. I understand that I cannot change their behavior. But why do I wish they would change their behavior? I don't really think highly of them as people and I don't really find family to be something special beyond sharing the same gene pool. I wish I could say that I felt no obligation to them, because I don't think I should feel an obligation. It's really silly; they chose to have a child, rear the child, and fund child's education. I shouldn't be obliged to individual choices. But I feel it. I feel like I need to be a good daughter. But I'm smart enough to realize that if I try to be a good daughter, it will kill me, literally and figuratively.

I don't know. It seems like there is probably a great deal I am not saying, but I don't know what it is. Hmm. . . I know it has to be there because I hear Ed whispering, trying to remind me how "wonderful" life was with him. I don't believe him, but on some level, a very disordered level, I wish I did believe him. I don't know why I want to believe him, but I do.