I am confused.

Everything about me makes no sense? Honestly, I did an artistic therapy exercise last night and I realized that I really hate my body. Like I want my body to disappear. I don't want to die, I just want my body to disappear. But where the hell would I go if my body disappear? What the fuck. I don't make any sense. I know those are completely illogical statements. Every CT red light I have is going bonkers, but I don't know how to push those beliefs out of my life. The belief that my body is wrong, ugly, dirty, and should disappear underlies so much of my ED/SI. Underlies so much of my own self loathing. By being attached to such a body, I, myself, am wrong, worthless and need to disappear. And the only way I see to fix this is by being perfect. Absolutely perfect, with no dirt anywhere. God, it sounds like I might die this way. I actually have no doubt right now that I will be my own downfall, one way or another.