Tuesday, May 4, 2010

So much. . .

1.) I have a friend now, a real friend, that I trust and am open with. I even say the things that I don't like just because I appreciate the ability to talk about what scares me, what excites me, what worries me, what I am ashamed of. It is nice. It makes me happy and feel less tense. I have a friend I can cry with, because sometimes I need to cry and she is completely okay with my crying. And having that little safe space is somewhat liberating for me. It is still a scary situation for me, but I am trying to just feel the fear, but keep going anyway.

2.) So, I've kinda been reflecting on the abuse and what happened. And here is one conclusion I have made: I don't feel like my body is my own. At least part of my goal in losing weight (and cutting) is just to get out of my skin. Get all the taint and dirtiness and scuzziness that he put in my body off of me and that somehow I can regrow my own body. It sounds so lovely. . . But here is the thing, I know that there is nothing dirty about me. I find it stressful to be so ashamed and so guilty for feeling ashamed. But I want my body back. I don't know how to do that. . . how do I take my own body back. I hate my body, but that conclusion makes no sense because it doesn't seem like MY body. It feels like his body. I want to cut his body off and get my own body back.

Fuck him.

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