Wednesday, May 12, 2010

And again: I did of course throw up dinner, a burrito and rice, but I didn't purge dessert, 1c. frozen yogurt. . . but not in any amazing "recovery way" I just simply chose not to.

The question does come down to "why do I make the choice to purge?" "What do I want to feel as a result of purging?" "What am I trying to avoid or gain by purging?"

1.) On a superficial level, I purge because I can. It is easy, simple, and frankly pleasurable in its most novice form. When purging seems a complete choice to me, it feels good. It doesn't feel like a compulsion; it feels voluntary. In some ways, like taking a shower. The closest thing I have to ridding my body of it's internal toxicity. I do it because it feels good.

2.) I purge as a form of rebellion. I purge to prove my boundaries. There are some things that nobody can control but me. My sexual behavior--not my control. Eating--not my control. Mood--not my control. But in my world, I have always been able to decide whether to purge or not, cut or not, bleed or not.

3.) I purge to avoid how much I am so scared, unhappy and worried I am. I purge to avoid almost all of my feelings when I cannot get to a horse, a friend or a journal. I purge to feel powerful. I gain a sense, as ethereal as it may be, that I am beyond the world of stress and concern. It is very much a high, outside of real experience.

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