Is it just me, or is life confusing? I am really having an odd time of it right now. Am I sane? Do I really have an eating disorder? Am I so crazy that I develop an eating disorder because I want one?? Am I so fucking needy and weird that nothing is going to help me? Do I want to eat now? Do I need to eat now?

I am so amazingly in awe at this "reality" I am in right now. It's not that I am ambivalent about "recovery;" rather, that I am so determined in both directions. Simultaneously, I want to be thin and happy/energetic/healthy. Those are two INCOMMENSURABLE objectives. But I very desperately want both of them, and I want them in the extreme. None of this normal stuff, "normal" weight. I don't want normal. I desperately want to be different; I just don't want those who are normal to recognize that I am different in a way that benefits them. I want people with whom I identify, intelligent, thoughtful and forward moving people to notice my difference. Blath, it's all just crazy talk. Just crazy talk. . . and that is the clue that I probably just hit on something important. My immediate change of direction without any warning suggests that there is something there that might be a little disruptive to my way of being. . .

Perhaps it is that when I acknowledge I want affirmation from others means that I am not a rock in the storm, perhaps it signals that I am not truly autonomous, perhaps it signals that I am not as independent as I would like to think. It says that I need other people. Shit. I don't want to need other people, I get hurt when I need other people. Those people either leave or they don't treat me well. God damn it. This is an issue and I don't want to face it. I mean, who wants to say they need others, that they are not the island they thought they were.

I sure as hell don't, but now that I have said it. . . what do I do???