Craziness.

I lost it. I don't see what other people see. I don't know why and it scares me. I purged last night and I had a horrible headache afterward. Every time I stand up, my head throbs quite a bit. I'm not sure what I've done, but I'm not sure I intend to stop.

I see the warning signs. I know where I am headed; the question is whether I care. Today I don't. Tomorrow I might. Craziness at it's best.

I'm afraid of who I am. I'm afraid of who I'm not, who I should be, and why I am not that person. I am so confused about what other people see; it isn't what I see and I know my reality isn't real. I am playing all the trigger games. How long until I give in?

My mind is in chaos. I cannot go on like this; should I try? I don't know where I am going and I don't know why I am even going. That's it. I'm lost. I cannot even read the map; in fact, I am not even sure I can find the map. I might not even be looking. I'm so lost.

They say. . .

They say I'm strong.
They say I'm a fighter.
They say I'm brave.

If only they knew. I'm not brave, I'm desperately hiding from everything that scares me. I'm not strong; I've been hiding behind the ED and SI for years. Those things support me, not psychic strength. I never once fought. I had time and time to try, to say 'no', but I never once did. I didn't fight; I submitted.

153

8am--151

156.

157.

I was worried about going to the doctor today because I needed more a/ds. I'm really rather sick of people thinking that I am sick and need help. Yeah, I have my issues, but doesn't everybody. Mine seem to be, at this point, just socially unacceptable. Some people drive too fast when they are frustrated. I cut. Nobody sends people who drive too fast to counseling, getting several sets of people involved. Ya know. I'm managing. Just because I'm not thrilled about everything, a little upset sometimes, does not mean I'm crazy.

Sure, I want to be happy and who could complain about having a therapist to talk to, but when there are finite resources and time, I'm not at a point where that is important. Perhaps the word is yet, but I have rent to pay, groceries to buy, horses to keep and those things are NOW.

Perhaps most of all, I'm scared that other people are seeing something that I refuse to see. And that my blindness will take me somewhere I do not want to go.

Skinny Comments

Last night, somebody said, "you are so skinny." I fought with the comment. Psychologically anyway. But how do I process that? It is the single biggest inconsistency in what people see and what I see. By no means am I underweight; in fact, I think I am overweight.

It really rattled me up.