It's like a battle that never ends. It ebbs and flows, but it never disappears. Right now, I suppose I'm in a flow period. I am struck by the need to lose weight, the need for attention, the need for attention. The fact that I'm not perfect and that other people seem to see a different reality than I do. That has plagued me for as long as I can remember being self analytical enough to even think about such things. I loathed and others loved. I loathed and others admired. I loathed and others praised.
Every day I see things that trigger me, that remind me how wrong I am. And I still, to this day, don't know how to process such experiences. I desperately want to talk to somebody and I don't know who. People who care, leave or get torn away by other things. And the people I care about, I'm not supposed to care about them. Places where I connect, I'm supposed to detach. And with those with whom I am detached, those people I am supposed to care about deeply. It's like I don't work right.
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