Realization

And it couldn't have come at a worse time. Right before finals.

Having an eating disorder has had huge costs in my life. Well, duh! right? Well, yes, I always had a sense that it was physically dangerous and a little, a lot insane, but I never really thought it would prevent me from doing what I wanted to do in the future.

But it has. I relapsed hard this past semester. And the binging and purging and starving was time consuming. As a result, I couldn't study and I didn't study. And what was supposed to be the term that was going to turn around my career. Last year was rough, I was slipping and really depressed so I wanted to make up for it before going to apply to a Ph.D. program. Instead, I didn't make up for it; I am doing even worse. But as I am right now, I have no hope of a Ph.D. program.

And I would like to think that if I get it together, I could do whatever I want to. But guess what, I don't think that is realistic. Whatever I do now, I am still an unlikely candidate for a Ph.D. program. Which makes me very depressed. Like how can I not acknowledge that I have failed and I don't know what to do with that besides engage in my favorite coping tools-b/p and SI. . .

What do I do?

It is disturbingly cold here in BG and I am trying to make preparations for next semester and the summer. But doing so is rather difficult. Will the hospital come through? If not, what should I do next? Do I want to go get the horse job and finish my degree MIA? Will I get into a Ph.D. program? If I do, should I go? If I get into Oxford or hired at the Bank of England, how do I find the money to take Sky with me? What would I do with UP? How could I leave him so far away? And what do I do with all the relationships I have developed?