One day, then the next

I know recovery is not about stepping across some magic line and then ta-da, I am all better. . . Nope, recovery means working my ass off to learn about how to function, how to control the ED. Recovery means slipping sometimes, I know that, but I still hate it when I slip and even though I do get one hell of a "mia high" I really feel as though I cannot recover. Verily, verily I say unto you, this is rough.

And I feel alone here. I know how weird it is to be a girl who WANTS to vomit. Can you comprehend that, on any level? I know the ED has separated me from people I care about, but at the same time I want them to come in and get me. My T and I were discussing how I want love and validation, but rebel against such things because I find such things very scary. I isolate myself, I know I do, but I am not really feeling the desire to get out of myself and relate to another individual. I do not want to be lonely, but I do not want to be with other people either.

I hate being a walking oxymoron--I want to b/p and starve at the same time; I want to be loved, but alone; I want to be approved of but I want to be self sufficient. I live in a little constant state of fear because I do not know how to function or what to expect--except to expect to be crazy.