Good days and bad days

I just ate dinner and made it all the way to 633.5 calories today. I met my goal of 600 and I am proud of myself for that. I am anxious and physically feel very, very FAT right now. I know 633.5 calories is NOT going to make me obese, but it seemed like so much food. I do not see how I could not be gaining loads and loads of weight right now. I know I am not, but my mind seems to think I am.

The ED is so great about making good days and bad days. I guess I expect a lot of those as a travel along this road. I expect some days to be really, really difficult and trying. And some might even seem easy, relatively of course, but easy. I mean, if I felt like I do right now about the purging in two days it could very well lead to a severe purge. But I am handling it right now. What makes the difference? How do I learn to create good days for myself? I certainly do not want to wait on such things to arrive; rather, I want to make good days come. Why does my mood depend so often on other people's perceptions of me or the number of calories I eat? What makes me believe the things I do about beauty, happiness, control, and excellence? How do I change those beliefs?