Looking Up, I hope

I feel like I am going in the right direction again. Toward recovery. I am scared too, that I will slip up again or that I will do something to royally screw this up. Or, that I am just having easy days and I am not really doing any better; the circumstances just happen to be better. But here I am, eating a bad food, not feeling extremely guilty, just "average" guilty maybe and thinking about how I really might recover from this.

I am willing to try. I make no promises, but I am willing to try.

I will be something more than the ED

Right now, I am scratching and clawing my way to avoid b/p-ing and trying to eat according to my MP. I know, like I have said before, the road to recoverED will be difficult and long. But I know I want my life back. I want to be more than the bulimia, the anorexia, the self-loathing. I want to be a rider, a true equestrian. I want to learn and have the energy to be curious. And I will do what it takes to beat this disorder and I will achieve.

New Day Rising

*sigh* This is getting old, very old. I wish I could stop b/p-ing. Why do I feel SO fucking fat? I know I am not, but god, do I feel fat, and ugly, and stupid. I know beating up on myself is not going to get me anywhere, but I do not know what else to do.

1.) I have got to figure out how to stand up for my rights in this dorm room. I feel like I would be whining to ask her to stop laughing randomly at whatever she is watching, but I am finding it really distracting. I could go upstairs, so why should she have to change her behavior. I could change mine. I know this is something I have to work to change. It is not always my responsibility to change. Sometimes it is, but not always. I do not really understand compromise; I understand giving in. Damn, I do feel really taken advantage of and I think that makes me take a lot of things really sensitively and then I end up in a circle of voicelessness.

2.) I am going to figure out how to appreciate the little steps I take every day. There are things I do every day to move me in the right direction. Usually they are outweighed by the things I do that go the wrong direction, but they are something. I need to learn how to be proud of myself. Some people are overly proud and full of hubris--definitely NOT my problem. So what did I do today, I ate a really good breakfast, right on with my MP and I tried to eat a healthy dinner and that spun a little out of control. I even allowed myself to journal in the middle of the day.

3.) I am going to work on improving my body image. In all reality I do not have a terrible body. It could, like most, use a little more exercise, but more than that, it could use a little less cutting, b/p-ing, restricting, general self inflicted torture. Moreover, how do I learn to accept my body as it is, before I go about trying to improve it--in a healthy manner? Well, I have two body image books on their way from Amazon.com and a little activity "Body Conversation" and yoga. I also have a T and N who might have some suggestions. Definitely on my list for next sessions.

4.) Food is not bad and I am not a bad person for eating. I think this has a lot to do with the body image issues. And my whole "I do not need" issue. I do need, period. Letting myself acknowledge that fact is a definite necessity for me to learn to allow myself to recover. Needing does not mean I am showing weakness. Not needing might show that I am a callous little b*tch, but needing shows I am human. Moreover, my MP, I need to follow it. I NEED to follow it. I cannot be trusted to make wise food choices; I cannot be trusted to choose my own foods. I NEED help to do so That is okay. I have a disease and I would not expect anyone with cancer to not need help; why do I expect me to not need help??

5.) Emotions do not mean I am out of control. The ED/SI does not put me in control. Control comes from acceptance. I am not accepting myself for who I am and the ED/SI is not controlling my emotions; they are burying my emotions such that when my emotions do surface, I am totally out of it--nervous breakdowns, panic attacks, NCUR-plan moments.

6.) Tomorrow is a new day. I will work toward recovery again tomorrow. I will try to love myself. I will try to be gentle with myself. I will try to treat my body with respect. I will do what I can to help myself get better. I do not want this ED/SI to steal another opportunity from me or ruin one more day. I will slip, of course; slips are part of the road to recovery. But relapse does not have to be on the road to recovery anymore.

One day, then the next

I know recovery is not about stepping across some magic line and then ta-da, I am all better. . . Nope, recovery means working my ass off to learn about how to function, how to control the ED. Recovery means slipping sometimes, I know that, but I still hate it when I slip and even though I do get one hell of a "mia high" I really feel as though I cannot recover. Verily, verily I say unto you, this is rough.

And I feel alone here. I know how weird it is to be a girl who WANTS to vomit. Can you comprehend that, on any level? I know the ED has separated me from people I care about, but at the same time I want them to come in and get me. My T and I were discussing how I want love and validation, but rebel against such things because I find such things very scary. I isolate myself, I know I do, but I am not really feeling the desire to get out of myself and relate to another individual. I do not want to be lonely, but I do not want to be with other people either.

I hate being a walking oxymoron--I want to b/p and starve at the same time; I want to be loved, but alone; I want to be approved of but I want to be self sufficient. I live in a little constant state of fear because I do not know how to function or what to expect--except to expect to be crazy.

Hoping, but being realistic

I know this road is really rough and I know the reality is that recovery is incredibly difficult. Especially if I truly want to be recoverED to the point where I am not constantly watching out for the ED and have freed my mind from the ED thoughts. Willpower can save me from the ED behaviors, but until the ED thoughts change relapse will always be a very real possibility. And the ED thoughts and beliefs absolutely affect my reality outside the ED/SI. Things like interpersonal relationships, career aspirations, general life satisfaction, and daily emotional functioning are all crucially impacted by my ED.

I am, however, feeling at least hopeful. Like this recovery is moving somewhere. Yes, I do slip, even on a regular basis. But I feel the want to recover right now. The desire to live a happy healthy life and live it for ME. Up until this point, recovery has been about "what I was supposed to do." Why did I see an N/GP/T? Because I had some cerebral understanding that people with ED/SI were supposed to see these people. I am at the point now where I want to work, I want to try very hard, I want to recover for my own sake. Who cares what I am supposed to do? What I am supposed to do is a shaky reason to recover; now, I want to recover because I want MY life to be better.

I could continue through life on the path I have been on, but now I realize that I have the choice and desire to continue on a new path, despite the difficulty of the start, a path where I can really love myself. I do not know how yet, but I am finally feeling willing to learn the lessons.

Anxiety and Conquerable

Finally, a good day, kinda. I was restricting a lot, but I got some really big, good news and I was given new spirit to defeat this disorder. There is no way I am going to be as far in this ED/SI when I go to Chesterland Farms. Not flying at an intermediate fence with brittle bones from not eating. Not doing Intermediate dressage with two purges in a day. NO FUCKING WAY!! I do not know how long this is going to last, but I am going to work as hard as I can while this feeling lasts. I decided to try to eat a fear food everyday; I had cheese soup today. I decided to try to meet my calorie goals too, even though my mind is still telling me to undercut them.

Honestly, the anxiety and the disgust associated with food still exist and I still want to eat less; I still feel the urges. I just have some renewed vigor to fight them. I am still not comfortable with eating too may real calories. I would rather have just negative calories. And for now, I will be okay with that because I do not want to leap to fast right now. But I am willing to leap a little bit.

I have new fight in me and I am going to try to nurture the little bit I feel right now into a lifestyle such that I can at least stay headed toward recoverED, even if I will not end the journey until I deal with some of the crucial underlying issues.

Should I learn to just live with this???

I suppose today was better than yesterday, but not by much. I did pretty well staying on track until Econ Club and the rice cake I grabbed on the way out the door. Well, actually, maybe yoga had a little trigger effect. I noticed how much weight I have lost and how I could feel my hipbones. I wish those hipbones were a little more pronounced, but I was proud of myself. That is as proud of me as I have been in a long time. Simply because I could feel hipbones. So, yeah, that made eating the rice cake especially difficult, which made me feel really, really out of control. You see, I was in control until I ate the rice cake. AND THEN ALL WENT TO HELL. . . kinda.

I got back from Econ Club and I very, very much wanted to binge. But I did not, at least not for about an hour and a half. I posted for a fin at SF, read, listened to music, worked, sat with the urge. I finally gave in though. Actually, I still sit at 1660 calories for the day. and about 1300 of those I threw back up again. I am unhappy that I did give in to the ED. I want to eat normal, I really do.

But the Mia serves such a fix for me. I binged right in front (well, behind) my roomie and I got away with it. I get a sense of power from that. FUCKED UP ED MIND!! I get a sense of independence from b/p-ing; I am, however, truly dependent on the ED to function right now. Scary, huh?

I also feel like the idea of recovery is a joke; I should just try to figure out how to live with the ED in the safest and best way possible. I am tired from recovery. I want to be normal. Just be normal. . . huh? I guess I do not know what that means to be "normal" although I can say that I will limit "normal" to "healthy, eating patterns" Most of my idiosyncrasies I think I should enjoy and be proud. Who knows what I want? I want to give up the ED. Step number one: tomorrow I will not binge, tomorrow I will not purge; tomorrow I will eat 650-700 calories; tomorrow I will journal before class and before bed; tomorrow I will not feel my hipbones when I do yoga. Tonight I will not binge again. I will have a string cheese before bed, just like my MP says I should and do a crossword puzzle in bed. Tonight I will not feel my hipbones or ribs before bed. Period.

Confused, Lost, Uncertain

What a day! I feel like the ED is getting worse, not better. I restricted until about 7 and then all hell broke loose and I b/p-ed twice and then binged again about 1am. And I am planning to restrict tomorrow. . . I have a calorie goal of 600 calories tomorrow, theoretically so I can get to the N's goal of 800 a day by January 31. Sigh!

I knew, I saw the b/p coming, like days ago, and I even had a good idea why, but I did not even try to stop the b/p, instead I planned for it. I PLANNED! I bought the binge food; I ate it fully appreciating the fact that I was going to purge. And while I do not really remember what was going on in my head while I was b/p-ing, I am sure I got some emotional release and I know I got a little "mia-high" because I was just so. . . happy? afterwards.

I knew that I wanted to b/p because I wanted to prove to my roomie that she cannot "keep an eye on me" out of this disorder. I wanted to prove that I, I, was running my life and, god damnit, if I want to b/p, I will! But in the end, b/p gets me no where; why can I not see that?? It is not that I do not want to recover, although it does seem like that right now, just that I know no other way of taking control, being assertive or separating me from everything but the ED. I feel like the ED is the thing that makes me different, special, individual. I really like phrasing it as the one thing that makes me individual; it draws me away from what people say about me, of me, or what I should do. The ED gives me some semblance of an ability to separate myself from culture. And yet it does not.

I know I am on the losing end of this deal, but I do not know how to fold out of the game. . . help?

Lessons I Never Learned

A great deal of the research I have read discusses how people with eating disorders and self injury have trouble using words to express emotions and other aspects of life. I believe this to be very true. The ED/SI are honestly how I communicate everything: the need for support, frustration, loneliness, pain, sadness, even happiness. They are also my way of expressing emotions.

One of the things I really hate about recovery is how I often feel like a really stupid person. Unlike the things I never learned was what every five year old learns. How to cry. How to express fear. How to ask for help. How to express opinions. Now, I know why I never learned these lessons, but I always feel like an idiot trying to figure out how to unlearn the lessons I did learn and learn the lessons I missed.

I even have to learn how to be hungry. When you are little, most people learn how to eat and recognize hunger and fullness. You cry when you are hungry or you beg mom for something to eat. You stop eating when you are full. I did not learn those lessons. I do not know what hunger feels like or how to distinguish it from anxiety or nausea. I have not a clue what it means to be feel full. These, as odd as this may seem, are hard lessons to learn. I really doubt my ability to learn them sometimes.

Despite everything I know about psychology, economics, math, therapeutic methods, horses, or anything else, these lessons are baffling. I struggle with these. I need tutoring to figure them out. Everything I am comfortable with cannot help me here and I anticipate this class to continue for years and years.

One step at a time. . .

and you shall climb mountains. Up to 670 calories today. I am so very scared of that number and I feel so very guilty about the number. Maybe I should try to stop focusing on the calories. I think I would feel really very, um, un-me without the number of calories. I am afraid to try and stop the calorie counting, but I do not really know why I developed the behavior and why I find it so tantalizing.

Today was crazy and I really do not know what else to say about it. I am not comfortable with a new development; I had hoped anything beyond some struggles would be unnecessary in the situation. And despite the opportunity I had to be emotionally honest, I did not. I still kinda lied. I was more honest than I wanted to be, but I was not very honest. I am having issues with my boss too. . . what else is new? I am just really stressed and I want to SI because I think that will make the feelings go away. Unfortunately it will, but for only a precious few minutes. Those few minutes are enough to get me back into reality and function again.

Little scare today as well, I had about 270 calories and then I went to work and stood outside for three hours freezing my little batoot off. Cold weather makes you use a lot of calories to keep warm apparently because when I got back to my dorm room I was exhausted and I had to sleep and it took me forever to warm up again, like an hour or so. I was kinda off balance when I walked too.

Also, my T wants me to see somebody else to work on the ED behaviors, which would be fine. BUT, this person requires the insurance card from my family. I want the help with the behaviors so I can spend the time with my T talking about what is underlying the behaviors and time with the N to create a MP I feel comfortable. . .but I do not want my parents to have any indication that I am struggling with the ED again. And this time, while not worse, the ED is much more mentally controlling. They do not need to know that and I think I am hurt by them knowing.

Yay for modified stream of consciousness posts. . .