This is weird

I am feeling so much dissonance about my weight and body right now. Half of me, the rational half of me, is scared. Two people have assured me that I look thinner. Really?? I don't really see it, but my perception is all screwy. The other half of me, the eating disorder voice, is screaming about how successful I am. How much control I have.

I get excited every time the number on the scale drops, even a half pound. And at the same time, I worry that I will not be able to get out.

I enjoy not having to eat. And at the same time, I know I need to eat more.

I like the fact that I completely control my intake and I know my weight and I know my calories. And at the same time, I know that knowing those things is dangerous and self defeating.

I like the feeling of jeans that get looser and looser. And at the same time, I am scared that someday what were my skinny jeans will fall off me.

I don't feel like this is my mind going right now. I am not supposed to be disconcerted by weight loss. The dissonance between what I believe and what I know is overwhelming. . . and that perpetuates itself. Of course, this couldn't be easy.