I tried. . . and I will try again tomorrow

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”

And I will, I really will. I do not know why today seemed so inexplicably rough, but it did. I had trouble eating and I had trouble not eating. I was either trying desperately to get away with not eating or feeling driven toward a binge. I have been SI-ing a lot recently, so I think that might have been setting me up for trouble. I guess I feel a little apathetic about recovery, not that I do not want recovery, but I am a little lazy when it comes to doing the hard, uncomfortable, sit with the feelings work.

One thing that I have been noticing is that I feel very full. My old pastor emailed me and telling me about the empty feeling without g-d and how if I wanted to fill that hole I should believe again. Okay, I will remember that when I feel empty, but that is the last thing I feel right now. I feel full, like everything is ready to boil over. My mind feels overwhelmed, not by work or by life, but by emotion. They are there, at least I have come to the point where I know they exist. But I am still willing to quickly condemn them to the attic and my attic is starting to get full. My T was talking about how recovery is going to require me to let them in the same room as I am, but first, I have to figure out how to deal with them one at a time and let them go. If I cannot let them go, all that is going to happen is that all the noise in the attic is going to be in my living room. . . and then all hell will break loose. I guess I should work on that, huh. . .

By the way, friend, if you have not guessed yet, I did not make it to forty minutes. I did however, manage to sit with the feelings for about five more minutes (the longest I have ever sat with those feelings) and then I "had" to go p. Sorry, next time I will shoot for 8 minutes. . . or I will just not be so dumb as to eat ice cream. Why I have so much trouble realizing that ice cream is THE TRIGGER FOOD. I have lots of trigger foods, but ice cream is by far the worst. I do not think I have kept ice cream down for, oh, five or seven years. Definitely something I should not eat again until I am much, much more steady in recovery.

But tomorrow is a new day and I refuse to allow today's failings to define tomorrow's existence. I can follow my MP and I can keep my food diary and I can reach out for support as it is needed. "I will try again tomorrow."