Completed.

I Am: a rider.
I Want: to be okay.
I Wish: I felt like affection was okay.
I Hate: my father.
I Miss: Chesterland.
I Fear: being raped again.
I Hear: voices, good and bad.
I Wonder: if I can do this.
I Regret: not telling anybody sooner.
I Am Not: a victim
I Dance: in private.
I Sing: to John Denver.
I Cry: about animals.
I Am Not Always: rational.
I Make With My Hands: soft and supple horses.
I Write: a lot, academic, personal, journal.
I Confuse: myself all the time.
I Need: touch and affection.
I Should: be more open.
I Start: a lot of projects.
I Finish:a few of them.

All I can think is just don't eat.

And again: I did of course throw up dinner, a burrito and rice, but I didn't purge dessert, 1c. frozen yogurt. . . but not in any amazing "recovery way" I just simply chose not to.

The question does come down to "why do I make the choice to purge?" "What do I want to feel as a result of purging?" "What am I trying to avoid or gain by purging?"

1.) On a superficial level, I purge because I can. It is easy, simple, and frankly pleasurable in its most novice form. When purging seems a complete choice to me, it feels good. It doesn't feel like a compulsion; it feels voluntary. In some ways, like taking a shower. The closest thing I have to ridding my body of it's internal toxicity. I do it because it feels good.

2.) I purge as a form of rebellion. I purge to prove my boundaries. There are some things that nobody can control but me. My sexual behavior--not my control. Eating--not my control. Mood--not my control. But in my world, I have always been able to decide whether to purge or not, cut or not, bleed or not.

3.) I purge to avoid how much I am so scared, unhappy and worried I am. I purge to avoid almost all of my feelings when I cannot get to a horse, a friend or a journal. I purge to feel powerful. I gain a sense, as ethereal as it may be, that I am beyond the world of stress and concern. It is very much a high, outside of real experience.

T's update:

No meds today, had french toast for breakfast and pizza and salad for lunch (I purged about 1/2). I don't know about dinner yet, but I do have every intention of purging. I feel a little guilty about being so devoted to purging and a little ashamed about sort of hiding stuff or the sort of lying I am engaging in by saying 'I am in recovery' but being so okay with dinner time, to purge.

For T's sake:

Yesterday--no meds, trail mix breakfast, burrito lunch, chinese for dinner (purged)
Tuesday--took meds, PB/J breakfast, chinese lunch (purged), indian dinner (purged)

And like any good T, I will be asked why all the purging all of a sudden. I don't really know. . .partly because of habit and the emotional things are so far away from my mind right now. I don't know how I feel and I don't care because my goal is to survive, not make giant strides in recovery right now.

Update

Ick, family. Purged 3x in two days.

So much. . .

1.) I have a friend now, a real friend, that I trust and am open with. I even say the things that I don't like just because I appreciate the ability to talk about what scares me, what excites me, what worries me, what I am ashamed of. It is nice. It makes me happy and feel less tense. I have a friend I can cry with, because sometimes I need to cry and she is completely okay with my crying. And having that little safe space is somewhat liberating for me. It is still a scary situation for me, but I am trying to just feel the fear, but keep going anyway.

2.) So, I've kinda been reflecting on the abuse and what happened. And here is one conclusion I have made: I don't feel like my body is my own. At least part of my goal in losing weight (and cutting) is just to get out of my skin. Get all the taint and dirtiness and scuzziness that he put in my body off of me and that somehow I can regrow my own body. It sounds so lovely. . . But here is the thing, I know that there is nothing dirty about me. I find it stressful to be so ashamed and so guilty for feeling ashamed. But I want my body back. I don't know how to do that. . . how do I take my own body back. I hate my body, but that conclusion makes no sense because it doesn't seem like MY body. It feels like his body. I want to cut his body off and get my own body back.

Fuck him.

I am feeling really alone right now. Alone, dirty and shameful.

I Don't Like Hearing. . .

"Hopefully, you are talented, strong and sensitive."
"Hopefully, you were raped by your father."
"Hopefully, you were a victim of trauma."

rape, molestation, trauma, violated, victim, pain, hurt, penetration, sexual healing.

I could go on, but life is mostly just escaping from any of these words in my head.

Resolution?

Backstory: I've been in therapy on and off for the last 5 years. Generally, I pretend the ED/SI are the only things I have to face. But that's never been true. So this time, I've been pretty honest about CSA. As a result, I kinda have to rethink a lot of the beliefs I hold. Today, my therapist was trying to make the point to me that I have to relax some of my rigid thought patterns until after I process the trauma (I hate that she calls it trauma, but that is another issue altogether).

And then I get confused. My T always talks about this as something I can resolve, process completely and leave behind and then be pretty much recovered. And once I resolve the abuse, everything else will probably fall into place pretty quickly. It just seems weird there will ever be a time where I have "resolved" everything. I guess part of that confusion is the fact that I've never really lived in a place where CSA was not a part of my life. I have no before CSA to compare to the idea of after resolution.

I don't know what I really am looking for in this post. I am sure I am not alone with these feelings, but I don't really understand where this process is leading. And I know, my T pointed out the first time I asked the question, resolution is different for everybody and the path to recovery is different for everybody, but I am not even sure I understand the goal. I feel a little like I am being led blindfolded down some path that for all I know is a circle and I just will eventually end up here again.