The Long Road from Here

Completed.

2011-08-17T23:04:00.003-05:00

I Am: a rider.
I Want: to be okay.
I Wish: I felt like affection was okay.
I Hate: my father.
I Miss: Chesterland.
I Fear: being raped again.
I Hear: voices, good and bad.
I Wonder: if I can do this.
I Regret: not telling anybody sooner.
I Am Not: a victim
I Dance: in private.
I Sing: to John Denver.
I Cry: about animals.
I Am Not Always: rational.
I Make With My Hands: soft and supple horses.
I Write: a lot, academic, personal, journal.
I Confuse: myself all the time.
I Need: touch and affection.
I Should: be more open.
I Start: a lot of projects.
I Finish:a few of them.

2011-02-11T23:15:00.001-05:00

All I can think is just don't eat.

2010-05-12T21:13:00.002-05:00

And again: I did of course throw up dinner, a burrito and rice, but I didn't purge dessert, 1c. frozen yogurt. . . but not in any amazing "recovery way" I just simply chose not to.

The question does come down to "why do I make the choice to purge?" "What do I want to feel as a result of purging?" "What am I trying to avoid or gain by purging?"

1.) On a superficial level, I purge because I can. It is easy, simple, and frankly pleasurable in its most novice form. When purging seems a complete choice to me, it feels good. It doesn't feel like a compulsion; it feels voluntary. In some ways, like taking a shower. The closest thing I have to ridding my body of it's internal toxicity. I do it because it feels good.

2.) I purge as a form of rebellion. I purge to prove my boundaries. There are some things that nobody can control but me. My sexual behavior--not my control. Eating--not my control. Mood--not my control. But in my world, I have always been able to decide whether to purge or not, cut or not, bleed or not.

3.) I purge to avoid how much I am so scared, unhappy and worried I am. I purge to avoid almost all of my feelings when I cannot get to a horse, a friend or a journal. I purge to feel powerful. I gain a sense, as ethereal as it may be, that I am beyond the world of stress and concern. It is very much a high, outside of real experience.

2010-05-12T16:12:00.002-05:00

T's update:

No meds today, had french toast for breakfast and pizza and salad for lunch (I purged about 1/2). I don't know about dinner yet, but I do have every intention of purging. I feel a little guilty about being so devoted to purging and a little ashamed about sort of hiding stuff or the sort of lying I am engaging in by saying 'I am in recovery' but being so okay with dinner time, to purge.

2010-05-11T21:00:00.002-05:00

For T's sake:

Yesterday--no meds, trail mix breakfast, burrito lunch, chinese for dinner (purged)
Tuesday--took meds, PB/J breakfast, chinese lunch (purged), indian dinner (purged)

And like any good T, I will be asked why all the purging all of a sudden. I don't really know. . .partly because of habit and the emotional things are so far away from my mind right now. I don't know how I feel and I don't care because my goal is to survive, not make giant strides in recovery right now.

Update

2010-05-11T20:07:00.001-05:00

Ick, family. Purged 3x in two days.

So much. . .

2010-05-04T15:10:00.002-05:00

1.) I have a friend now, a real friend, that I trust and am open with. I even say the things that I don't like just because I appreciate the ability to talk about what scares me, what excites me, what worries me, what I am ashamed of. It is nice. It makes me happy and feel less tense. I have a friend I can cry with, because sometimes I need to cry and she is completely okay with my crying. And having that little safe space is somewhat liberating for me. It is still a scary situation for me, but I am trying to just feel the fear, but keep going anyway.

2.) So, I've kinda been reflecting on the abuse and what happened. And here is one conclusion I have made: I don't feel like my body is my own. At least part of my goal in losing weight (and cutting) is just to get out of my skin. Get all the taint and dirtiness and scuzziness that he put in my body off of me and that somehow I can regrow my own body. It sounds so lovely. . . But here is the thing, I know that there is nothing dirty about me. I find it stressful to be so ashamed and so guilty for feeling ashamed. But I want my body back. I don't know how to do that. . . how do I take my own body back. I hate my body, but that conclusion makes no sense because it doesn't seem like MY body. It feels like his body. I want to cut his body off and get my own body back.

Fuck him.

2010-05-03T15:23:00.002-05:00

I am feeling really alone right now. Alone, dirty and shameful.

I Don't Like Hearing. . .

2010-04-28T14:10:00.002-05:00

"Hopefully, you are talented, strong and sensitive."
"Hopefully, you were raped by your father."
"Hopefully, you were a victim of trauma."

rape, molestation, trauma, violated, victim, pain, hurt, penetration, sexual healing.

I could go on, but life is mostly just escaping from any of these words in my head.

Resolution?

2010-04-22T21:06:00.001-05:00

Backstory: I've been in therapy on and off for the last 5 years. Generally, I pretend the ED/SI are the only things I have to face. But that's never been true. So this time, I've been pretty honest about CSA. As a result, I kinda have to rethink a lot of the beliefs I hold. Today, my therapist was trying to make the point to me that I have to relax some of my rigid thought patterns until after I process the trauma (I hate that she calls it trauma, but that is another issue altogether).

And then I get confused. My T always talks about this as something I can resolve, process completely and leave behind and then be pretty much recovered. And once I resolve the abuse, everything else will probably fall into place pretty quickly. It just seems weird there will ever be a time where I have "resolved" everything. I guess part of that confusion is the fact that I've never really lived in a place where CSA was not a part of my life. I have no before CSA to compare to the idea of after resolution.

I don't know what I really am looking for in this post. I am sure I am not alone with these feelings, but I don't really understand where this process is leading. And I know, my T pointed out the first time I asked the question, resolution is different for everybody and the path to recovery is different for everybody, but I am not even sure I understand the goal. I feel a little like I am being led blindfolded down some path that for all I know is a circle and I just will eventually end up here again.

Confusion

2010-04-21T14:52:00.002-05:00

I know I am doing well, succeeding in many areas. I feel, at the deepest core of my being that I am a complete and miserable failure. I don't know how to reconcile or make sense of that.

Numbers

2010-04-12T15:47:00.002-05:00

Amy mentioned this last time as well. Numbers. Calorie numbers, weight numbers, shape numbers. All things I pay a lot of attention to. She, however, wanted me to spend a little bit more time thinking about this. She is looking for a deep psychological reason or something. Unfortunately, I either don't know what they are or it is just a matter of convenience. I don't know why numbers are so attractive to me or why skinny is so important to me. I really do think it is convenient. I have neurotic energy and traumatic memories and western culture has pushed an ED onto me. . . I don't think the neurological and biological among EDs and most other neurotic/anxiety/depression/agitation based disorders. I do think the borderline and psychotic disorders are related, but distinct from the neurotic disorders. There is an overlap, but it is neither one to one nor onto.

But the whole point was numbers, and I do not have an answer or an understanding of them or their importance. It is normal and convenient and that is all I know about them.

Body Image Blues

2010-04-06T15:04:00.002-05:00

I know the title is cliche and cheesy, but titles generally are.

Anyway, I actually found typing to be just as good as writing yesterday and I know that I will not get much time at home tonight, I thought I would write a little now. Partially because I've only eaten 400 cals today and really don't want to eat any more. The greater the variance in my weight over time, the more obsessive about the numbers I become. And my weight shifted six pounds in the last three days. So, obsessive day. I think I am a little bloated as well. Also, I am really hating myself right now.

To be honest, I know the self-loathing and general downness are connected to not eating since 5am. And I am trying to convince myself that I really do need to eat. But I am just so disgusted with my body today eating is not an option at all. SO, SO, SO FAT! So, yes, I feel like crap today. Why? The number was high this morning. Then it will probably be higher tonight if I even think about eating something. I really do need to drink something though. Water has no calories.

I ate a ton yesterday. Although in all honesty, it was probably only 3000 cals and it was not really out of control, but it was, I don't know, like fake. It actually was probably just my body trying to avoid pure starvation by eating anything without tasting it.

I cannot get over this. The facts are so clear. Eating is important. If I don't eat, my body will eventually rebel and then I will end up in this cycle again. It is also important that I understand my weight will likely NEVER be crazy. I am too active. If I don't eat, I get tired and depressed and I lose all of my mental energy. I hate it.

What I don't understand is why I care so much about weight. I know it is superficial and boring and mostly meaningless. I know that the marginal impact of weight on my beauty/sexual desirability is nearly zero. I am generally ugly anyway. And my weight has no impact on my intelligence when I maintain a healthy weight.

Honestly, so sick of caring about it, but I don't know how not to care about it. What else would I do all day? Sit around and obsess about being raped by my father? That is a lousy alternative. Maybe I could use that energy for things I love, I just don't know how.

Safe in my Skin.

2010-04-05T15:31:00.002-05:00

So, I'm at school and I do not have my journal, so I was just going to type this out here.

Last week A. asked me my reaction to the idea of being safe in my own skin. And, well, I looked at her like she was bonkers. I have never and have no conception of what it means to feel safe or comfortable in my own skin.

So after that initial response, my response is how could you even expect me to be safe in my own skin. Seriously, as far as I am concerned the danger lies within my skin. It seems a little cliche to me, but sometimes is does seem like some toxic chemical has been implanted in me and it is slowly eating away at me. The danger was me, not him. I know it doesn't make any sense and it is not rational, but I'm trying hard to not reject things that are not rational without thinking about why they are so important to me. I kinda react to any irrationality with "But I am rational, so if something is irrational, I not only don't accept it, but I also argue that I cannot even be affected by it." I don't think that is a reasonable position. Irony? Anyone?

Honestly, however, I would like to be able to feel safe in my own skin. To some extent, I think that my own body is the enemy. A. has referred to it as body-phobia. And that is true for me. I am afraid of my own body. I don't hold him accountable. I hold my body accountable--I can punish it, keep it in check. I would be interested in the history of the mind-body duality and how that relates to the idea that the mind must keep the body in control. Unfortunately, the mind and body are not separated by a impermeable brick wall. I don't really understand the relationship between my mind and my body and I don't think anybody really understands the relationship between the mind and the body. I also don't feel comfortable with the idea of not fully understanding that. Because I know that if I can understand, quantify, model and explain the relationship between my mind and body, I can equally correct and control that relationship.

I read THE BODY REMEMBERS a couple months ago. I did not spend much time with it, but the book tries to explain how physical trauma turns into neurobiological signals in the brain, which impact the mind. The point being that you don't just get over trauma. The only problem I have with that argument is the assumption that there exists a form of trauma outside of social experience. More and more, I am not sure that such an assumption is necessary to support such an argument. Over time, we are learning more about the plasticity of the brain. If the brain is plastic, then it seems that something could become trauma in the context of new information and that trauma can have neurological impacts. Oh, if the world were as simple as an economic model, but I am getting more comfortable with the fact that the world is not that simple.

On a social scale, using models might be very important. To understand the generalities is simple to me, but to do the nitty-gritty of any individual situation is very difficult to me. I suppose this is what the gen-x'ers call real. I don't handle "real" very well. It is much more natural and intuitive to me to avoid the real, things that matter. Staying abstract, separated from the world AND from my body.

This has had tremendous advantages for me. It keeps me distant from my pain, probably keeping me from committing suicide on more than one occasion. It does make me an exceptionally mathematical woman. But in some sense, I imagine this has also meant that I do not experience as much joy and attachment as I could. I haven't decided if the tradeoff is worth it.

Holy Weirdness Batman!

2010-04-02T17:36:00.001-05:00

I just admitted to a professor that I hate my parents because they were abusive. I didn't include any detail, but I'm starting to freak out.

Worth Reading Regularly

2010-04-01T14:03:00.001-05:00

This is an amazingly huge struggle for me.

2010-04-01T13:50:00.001-05:00

(Elphaba):
I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda):
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda):
Because I knew you

(Both):
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda):
And because I knew you...

(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...

(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

2010-04-01T10:26:00.002-05:00

I know that I should be concerned about my current behavior. I had cake for breakfast. I promptly purged it. I have intentionally not packed lunch or taken money for lunch because I am convinced that I should never eat again.

And I finally want to break. I want to feel all the overwhelming emotions that I have been running from my entire life. But I don't know how.

Good Sentences

2010-03-27T12:56:00.003-05:00

From: Still Loved by the Sun by Migael Scherer.

"It is like an illness, like malaria; once it invades the body it never leaves. Grief and pain and terror are its fever. His violence infected me, and all my healthy life fights against it. The struggle leaves me wasted, empty."

"To her, it is something to "get over" as soon as possible, rather than to assimilate slowly and naturally."

"Keep going with it. There is no reason you have to fight what you're remembering, especially if you feel safe. It's possible that what is happening with those flashbacks is helping you to heal."

"The answer was simple, but difficult to say, "Someone hurt me. . . a bad man hurt me. . . a very bad man."

My Reaction to Obesity, Part II

2010-03-27T12:51:00.002-05:00

I do judge people by their weight. Now, before you completely scorn me for such behavior, note that I am ashamed my judgment. When I see an obese individual, I not only see everything I fear most, I also see myself. I see a lack of control; I see dirtiness; I see undesirability.

Because a relate a cultural fear so closely to valid, understandable, psychological fears, I see my ED as a biological proclivity that is given direction by society. If I didn't live in a fat phobic society, I would probably have channeled the biology in a different direction, but it would still be there.

Someday my mare will be this good!

2010-03-27T12:39:00.001-05:00

Actually, Sky and Lusty remind me very much of each other.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ucd1Vg88SMw

A Mantra.

2010-03-26T07:35:00.000-05:00

Don't let Perfect become the enemy of Better.

Reaching the Maximum

2010-03-25T11:55:00.002-05:00

I am starting to reach the maximum of my stress tolerance level. I'm purging and restricting with abandon again as well as cutting a few times a day. I won't go anywhere without my razor because I so hate the overwhelming nature of my feelings. I am so frustrated, so stressed, so overwhelmed, so confused. I feel like I am ready to have a nervous breakdown. Yippee!

2010-03-16T15:09:00.000-05:00

Drained

Speechless!

2010-03-08T06:20:00.000-05:00

I can't even begin to explain how much this pisses me off.

http://bulmatin.com/index.htm

I should play this every day!

2010-03-07T19:39:00.000-05:00

One of my strengths.

2010-03-07T09:32:00.002-05:00

I may only acknowledge this on my good days or on rare occasion, but when I am high, I am very proud of my ability to take things that could be stressful or disappointing and laugh a little. I can find a little humor or irony in almost everything. In some sense, I am very resilient about a lot of little things.

The Nature of Recovery

2010-03-04T16:26:00.002-05:00

I have frequently come to the edge of being ready to think about exactly what it means to recover.

1.) Recovery means learning to eat normally, maintaining a stable weight and not obsessing over weight, calories and body shape.
2.) Recovery means learning to accept me, as I am, despite also having a desire to grow and develop as an individual.
3.) Recovery means not hating my body and learning to feel comfortable in my body. It means learning to accept eating as a normal and necessary part of my life.

It is easy for me to figure out how to describe recovery in clear terms when it comes to the stereotypical stuff about eating disorders. But recovery is going to mean a lot more than that. It is going to mean surrendering the entire worldview that I have developed and constructing a new one. MUCH easier said than done. It is going to mean dealing with emotions and events that I have never even broached before. It is going to mean a lot of things that I don't even understand.

And I am scared shitless!

The Axiom that Defines Everything

2010-03-02T16:05:00.004-05:00

My life starts from a simple statement, one that has no good or bad reasons to support it:

I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON.

Everything else in my life starts from that simple axiom. I am horrible implies all of the following. I hate me. I am lazy. I cannot work hard enough to overcome my laziness. I am stupid. I cannot achieve enough to overcome that stupidity. I am ugly. I am unlovable. Any affection directed toward me is completely a result of the fact that people don't know how horrible I am. I am fat. I do not deserve love, attention, food, praise or success. I don't deserve second chances or sympathy.

I know that this axiom is probably not a good one. It is distinctly not healthy, but all of my intellectual skills do not prepare me for figuring out how to contradict an axiom. Logic, yes. Axioms, no.

Lady Talk

2010-02-25T15:04:00.002-05:00

I don't know what it is, but I HATE that time of the month. There are likely deep psychological reasons that I have not yet even begun to approach and are intimately related to my dad's general assholeness. But even on a very superficial level. I get bloated--yick--and there is a substantial level of inconvenience and for a couple days, I just feel like crap. My stomach and back ache, worse than bulimia stomach cramps and vomiting neck cramps.

I hate my midsection anyway, this only makes me want to cut it off all the more.

Good Sentences

2010-02-23T13:00:00.002-05:00

In general, Laura Collins frustrates me. I am not sure what qualifications she has as an expert on eating disorders, but today she has some very good words about the distinction between eating disorders and disordered eating and the impact of culture.

I know they mean well. . .

2010-02-22T15:47:00.002-05:00

But it makes me feel so tiny and stupid when people's reaction to my eating disorder is completely about food. For example, a professor I dearly love reacted to my participation in NEDAW by asking if I would eat a cookie if she brought it in. I said yes. She asked if I would throw it up. I said no. I know she means well and I know it means a lot to her to see me eat normally. But such questions and concerns, only make me want to eat in a more disordered fashion. For no other reason than to prove everybody else wrong and show everybody that these are my choices.

Recovery and food are not related as a biconditional. It is not "you are able to recover, if and only if you eat normally." Instead, it is an implication. If you eat, then you are able to recover. Eating and weight restoration are not the only things necessary for recovery. If that were the case, I was never really sick. Nobody would, and nobody has, ever picked up, on my disordered habits. My disorder is a private battle and a personal medal for me. I know that secrecy is a necessary condition for an ED to thrive and grow, so I work hard to avoid being secretive about it. It is a biologically based mental illness (see any research by Walter Kaye) and it is not my fault. Nobody blames diabetics. Nobody asks diabetics if their blood sugar is going to spike or if they can eat a cookie. For everybody else in the world, people don't judge you for eating or not eating one cookie.

So much of my ED, so much of every ED, happens internally. It is the voices in my head telling me how horrible I am. How evil I am. How much I don't deserve to eat, or that by eating one thing off my plan, I have to eat everything in sight just so I can purge because never eating again is the only response to eating in anything close to a normal way. I don't want people to know about my ED and I don't expect the majority of the population to understand the nature of ED's, but I wish they would realize that they DON'T know. And if you don't know, don't draw conclusions about me or any of my fellow sufferers, because until you read the research, until you talk to us, listen to our struggle, YOU DON'T GET IT. And that doesn't make me think any less of you. To admit you don't know is a much more impressive act than to pretend you do and judge people.

And to end this: screw the world. I am so angry at everything and everybody and I feel like I might explode. So, in about 10 hours, I will be all but unwilling to get out of bed because the anger will lead to extreme self-deprecation and obsessions. And I am never eating again.

My Reaction to Obesity

2010-02-18T17:07:00.000-05:00

My reaction is very similar to the "love the sinner, hate the sin" concept. I have real problems with such a position.

Very Good Sentences

2010-02-18T09:47:00.002-05:00

There's a westernized notion of self that's not accurate," Warren explained. "It says there's a self trapped inside this meat I call my body, which is different from the body, yet mirrored by it. So at some core level the anorexic believes that if she eats she'll become fat; and if here body is fat, her self must be disgusting and awful."

from: GAINING by Aimee Lui

The Anorexic Wish

2010-02-17T14:14:00.003-05:00

I want to be both underweight, never eat and be mentally sane, not afraid of food.

2010-02-16T22:31:00.001-05:00

I don't know where, when or how I decided this, but not eating is a sign of capability, strength and independence.

Disclosure

2010-02-12T23:11:00.002-05:00

So, as I go through the process of disclosure about CSA, I use the fact that I don't necessary know the right terms to use as a way of minimizing the trauma. But the more time I spend in the disclosure process, reading and talking, I realize lots of things have names. And then they are totally real for me. And it is scary.

Today's realization: Digital rape.

You know you are bulimic when. . .

2010-02-08T21:35:00.002-05:00

. . . there is no appreciable difference between purging and crying, the former is just an easier way to deal with your feelings.

Hypocrite

2010-02-08T15:03:00.001-05:00

As I desperately cling to my ED, I am going to wear a different ED awareness shirt every day for NEDAW.

HYPOCRITE!

Something positive and special

2010-02-04T16:37:00.002-05:00

I have an amazingly beautiful and wonderful mare. She tries so hard, even when she is sore or trying something new. She is unconditionally loving and sweet with me, even if it is only because I am the bearer of peppermints. We went on a 2.5 mile trot this morning and she was so energetic and willing and the end was just orgasmic. She was on the bridle, trotting rhythmically and energetically.

And in that moment, in every moment I spend with her, I am safe. My mind is quiet and calm, my heart peaceful and joyous. She listens to every word I speak and even if she doesn't understand those words, she doesn't fight about it, doesn't beg for me to pay attention to her. She just rests her head on my chest and breathes. She is better than imperfectly perfect, she is perfect.

2010-02-01T14:49:00.000-05:00

Holy mother of freaking cold!

Obesity

2010-02-01T09:00:00.002-05:00

It frustrates me that many advocates for eating disorders behave as though obesity isn't a problem or that fighting obesity encourages eating disorders/disordered eating. Set point theory is well supported by the evidence, but I don't think the theory implies that some people have set points well above 300 pounds.

I also find that ED advocates have a tendency to react rather viscerally to the word "diet" as some sort of restrictive eating regimen, when it sometimes means "intake." So, just because Michelle Obama said the kids needed a change in diet, doesn't mean restricting them in an unhealthy way; rather, it may mean changing their intake to a more healthy combination of foods. (That said, Barack's statement that Malia was a little chubby is completely unacceptable, especially in a public situation).

2010-01-31T19:29:00.001-05:00

What do non-disordered people buy at the grocery store?

2010-01-30T08:25:00.000-05:00

Food is an easy excuse to quantify and capture the emotions that I don't understand.

Expectations

2010-01-29T14:07:00.002-05:00

My expectations are out of line with the expectations that are most prevalent in the world. What I expect to be normal human behavior is really what most people interpret as amazingly high level of performance and expectation. But what I really hate is when people expect that I will do "it" regardless of what it is, whether it is an appropriate expectation. I get the sense that people expect me to be more than human.

2010-01-28T07:55:00.001-05:00

I want out.

Confused and Frustrated

2010-01-27T15:24:00.002-05:00

My mirrors are amazingly and unbelievably screwed up. Like the basic laws of light and physics have collapsed.

I'm exhausted.

2010-01-26T16:12:00.001-05:00

Finding the courage and energy to voice my secrets is emotionally, physically and mentally draining.

A Conclusion.

2010-01-24T20:07:00.002-05:00

I have reached a conclusion. We have program after program and dollars after dollars devoted to preventing child abuse. The assumption being that if people know what they are doing is wrong and what appropriate boundaries are, they won't violate them. Poppycock! I highly doubt it. What we need to attack is a society wide assumption that children are private property. Until they at least reach puberty, they belong exclusively to their parents and society shouldn't get involved, unless any abuse is obvious and severe and clear. This assumption is completely and totally false. Children are, in the sense that they are property at all, belong to society and society should be intimately involved in the care of children. Licensing parents is probably a step in that direction. Another step is believing the child, even when the abuse is not obvious or severe. Just because the abuser is smart hardly means the abuse should be excused.

Showing her off!!

2010-01-24T18:55:00.004-05:00

This is beauty. For 3 hours this morning, I wasn't sick, crazy or afraid of hearing the word hospital anytime soon. I wasn't a CSA survivor and I didn't worry about anything else in the world. It was just a horse and her rider.

2010-01-23T22:18:00.001-05:00

Facing yourself, being honest with yourself is much harder than being honest with anybody else. That's step one.

2010-01-21T17:22:00.001-05:00

I should be hungry right now. 335 calories is not enough, but I am anything but hungry.

2010-01-17T18:51:00.000-05:00

HATE HATE HATE HATE

Non-Disordered People

2010-01-16T19:49:00.002-05:00

I don't understand you. I wish I did.

I just went grocery shopping. And I am sure that you do not have panic attacks in the cereal aisle because you don't like rice chex, but that has the fewest calories, so that's what you have to buy right? No, you could buy Total, because if you do that, then you have more calories, but better nutrition, so you don't have to eat later in the day. And I'm sure you don't spend 20 minutes looking at diet pills KNOWING they don't work, but still desperately wanting some and then deciding that phen-fen would be a better option.

I cried in the grocery store. How pathetic is that?

2010-01-15T13:27:00.003-05:00

Stable today. . . ate lunch an hour ago, maybe 300cals, and still feel overfull. . . snack in 1.5 hours. . . geez. I was 137.8 this morning, which is above my desired BMI, but I got down to 134 yesterday, *squirms with excitement*

2010-01-14T06:26:00.000-05:00

139.8, 21.5

2010-01-13T12:31:00.001-05:00

Slowly coming down. . . maybe because I'm not eating.

2010-01-12T17:13:00.001-05:00

Still going. . . get distracted really easily. . . don't write in cohesive thoughts. . .

Mania

2010-01-12T15:09:00.000-05:00

I am a tad manic right now, been that way all day. My brain feels like this a;lkfjkdsafjeoifjoaewlmfnoiehfoehfnwejf. . . ya, know, unless I am very conscious of what is going on, at which point I can work, but just feel like I am going to explode.

The most disordered thought in some time

2010-01-12T07:06:00.001-05:00

142!!!!!!!!!!!! BMI 21.9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Ethic of Self-love.

2010-01-11T17:40:00.002-05:00

So, ethics generally starts from the point that other people matter. And despite the fact that I think there are generally too many people who are self-absorbed, there is something to be said of the need to balance "other people matter" with "I matter."

A whole ton of my disordered psyche starts from the fact that I think other people matter and I don't. The idea that my sole purpose in life is to worry about other people's interests, how my actions affect others. That isn't healthy. I don't know how to balance the interests of others with my own interests, passions and health. That is the million dollar question.

2010-01-11T15:18:00.002-05:00

If all goes according to plan, I will eat somewhere between 1200 and 1500 calories today. Apparently, doctors think that is a little low and they will harp on me about it. HOWEVER, I don't have a clue how I would hope to get in any more than that. I will have eaten three meals, had some skittles for a snack, and 2 cups of hot chocolate. I don't eat meat, so that tends to bring the calorie counts down. I avoid fat, apparently a bad thing--kills concentration (which explains A LOT really). And I do eat a lot of whole fruits and vegetables.

If you watched me eat, it doesn't look disordered. But I know it is, in so many ways, not the least of which the diet pills I eat like popcorn.

2010-01-08T20:30:00.001-05:00

Also, I hate being on my period. However, periods usually mean bloating, which means water retention, which means in a couple days, I should be a little skinnier. Nothing disordered about that.

Question

2010-01-08T20:06:00.001-05:00

For all those "normal eaters"

Where in gods name do you find a place for 2000 calories every day without binging or eating really horrible food, like fried stuff or full fat ice cream by the gallon?

2010-01-07T07:41:00.001-05:00

144.2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is amazingly sad that I am so excited about that. Especially since I am pretty sure it is just water weight.

Realization

2009-12-12T13:03:00.000-05:00

And it couldn't have come at a worse time. Right before finals.

Having an eating disorder has had huge costs in my life. Well, duh! right? Well, yes, I always had a sense that it was physically dangerous and a little, a lot insane, but I never really thought it would prevent me from doing what I wanted to do in the future.

But it has. I relapsed hard this past semester. And the binging and purging and starving was time consuming. As a result, I couldn't study and I didn't study. And what was supposed to be the term that was going to turn around my career. Last year was rough, I was slipping and really depressed so I wanted to make up for it before going to apply to a Ph.D. program. Instead, I didn't make up for it; I am doing even worse. But as I am right now, I have no hope of a Ph.D. program.

And I would like to think that if I get it together, I could do whatever I want to. But guess what, I don't think that is realistic. Whatever I do now, I am still an unlikely candidate for a Ph.D. program. Which makes me very depressed. Like how can I not acknowledge that I have failed and I don't know what to do with that besides engage in my favorite coping tools-b/p and SI. . .

What do I do?

2009-12-10T15:21:00.002-05:00

It is disturbingly cold here in BG and I am trying to make preparations for next semester and the summer. But doing so is rather difficult. Will the hospital come through? If not, what should I do next? Do I want to go get the horse job and finish my degree MIA? Will I get into a Ph.D. program? If I do, should I go? If I get into Oxford or hired at the Bank of England, how do I find the money to take Sky with me? What would I do with UP? How could I leave him so far away? And what do I do with all the relationships I have developed?

2009-11-30T13:58:00.000-05:00

I hate food. It's not that I am afraid of it, or even that I find it evil or dangerous. I just don't like it; it is a little disgusting to me. Why? Seems quite an evolutionary failure.

2009-11-30T11:13:00.001-05:00

I am as afraid of success as I am of failure.

2009-11-16T15:25:00.000-05:00

I know the eating disorder is horrible. But it is very hard for me to believe it.

2009-11-03T09:17:00.002-05:00

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT. . . A FUCKING WHALE.

And talk about insanity. Despite the fact that the diet pills give me a huge headache by the end of the day, I'm going to take them and wash them down with Diet Coke.

Yay!

Ready. . . Inner monologue

2009-10-20T22:12:00.002-05:00

Bitch. Fat Slovenly Bitch. You are controlled and insane about food. You need it. It makes you fat. It eats you alive. You are the one who is supposed to be so smart and so full of potential. And here you are you wich. You horrible, fat, ugly person. Person, too nice for you. Creature, slave, slave to food. You are such a stupid, horrible person and you cannot figure out how to function as a normal healthy person. No you are crazy. Insane. Lazy. Horrible. Stupid. Ugly. FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT. OBESE OBESE OBESE OBESE OBESE BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

Any questions?

What does it mean???

2009-10-19T20:31:00.002-05:00

What does it mean when you know one thing and do the other???
What does it mean when you do and do not want to do something at the same time????

What can be a more apropos definition of insanity than the above???

Life

2009-10-13T13:29:00.001-05:00

Get on the scale, get off the scale, get on the scale, restrict, restrict, good girl, binge, purge, binge, purge, cut, get on the scale, get off the scale. Stare at the pills. Insomnia, can't get out of bed, start all over.

One of my pet beliefs

2009-10-11T13:29:00.002-05:00

I honestly believe that if I am organized enough, thin enough, controlled enough, clean enough, scheduled enough that everything will fall into place. Everything will be easy.

So much for rationality?

No Wonder

2009-10-07T23:42:00.002-05:00

I refuse to eat and my arms look like I fought with a lawnmower that can spell. I cannot do it all. I feel like I have to do it all. And I get so frustrated with my responsibilities that I don't even know what to do. Am I talented, probably. Am I perfect, no. But I will be and then everything will fall into place.

I am very human. And I absolutely hate, hate, hate being human. I refuse to be human. One way or another, I will no longer be human.

Frustrating!

2009-09-10T21:07:00.001-05:00

1.) Communication is hard, no matter how well you know the person.
2.) I am crazy and I do want my eating disorder.
3.) Yes, the medications are necessary, but I should probably wait until I see the Pdoc to actually start taking them again. Left in my own mind until then.
4.) I started burning; now that's fun!

2009-07-23T11:39:00.002-05:00

2009-06-18T11:40:00.003-05:00

For one of the richest areas in the country, Chester County PA is poorly wired for the internet.

Anyway, I'm here in Unionville with Bruce, but in a very different psychological spot than I was two summers ago. This time I can tolerate, even appreciate myself and my perfectionistic side has become much quieter. The part of me that thinks I am a worthy human being is much louder. That all makes Bruce much more difficult to handle. I work so hard to cut him slack in so many areas, but that relational devotion is not mutual. Making me think that I am probably better off to decrease my emotional devotion. Treat the job as a job, not as a family, not as a friendship, just a job. And Bruce is just a boss.

Where that leaves Susie, I don't know. Where it leaves Jan, I don't know. People I respect, some of whom you might say I even love. Before in my life, turning off parts of my history have been easy, cutting off relationships has been a blase issue. Now it means something. It genuinely hurts. Weird.

Been a while

2009-05-06T11:23:00.002-05:00

and in that while, my life has spiralled up, spiralled down and plateued somewhere in the middle. I cannot make the skinny sign stop flashing, but I'm not as depressed or wired, but I am apathetic.

2009-04-07T21:45:00.001-05:00

2009-03-31T07:58:00.002-05:00

I'm crazy.

A new diagnosis

2009-03-29T21:54:00.002-05:00

Bipolar II with Delusions. Never would have guessed that. But I do have delusions, but they just seem so insignificant to me--I believe that you can inhale calories. I believe that sitting on the same toilet seat that a fat person sat on can make you fat. Being around fat people. I believe that food is inherently evil.

And the Abilify, I think, is starting to have some side effects. And that is why I am so jittery.

Anything but Thrilled

2009-03-25T10:31:00.001-05:00

So, a lot of little thoughts, with my general obsessive tendency, have been swarming upon me. Weight, human adequacy, meds, sickness, happiness, contentedness, the future, the past, the present. It is rather overwhelming and drains me emotionally and mentally. And it results in a psychic tornado that I cannot control.

2009-03-24T23:00:00.000-05:00

It's really weird how large my range of emotions is in a single day.

2009-03-02T00:18:00.000-05:00

Does it occur to anyone else that uncertainty is one of the biggest emotional factors in life?

Calypso

2009-02-22T20:47:00.002-05:00

2009-02-11T21:02:00.000-05:00

I am fucking DONE!

Still Unpredictable

2009-02-10T23:56:00.003-05:00

I never know what I am going to do next, how I am going to feel, or what I am going to believe. Yes, there is some constancy, like many of my intellectual beliefs. Personally however, is a whole different ball game. It's all sorts of bonkers. When I get chipper, I am chipper and I make rash decisions to ride my horses bareback through campus. When I get drained, I can hardly get out of bed, let alone ride bareback. And these two phenomena can happen in the span of a few hours and the triggers are minor things. Nice weather and carrying water buckets. A still sick horse, who isn't mine and a nice trot. Something challenging can throw me either way. Trust, god only knows where trust is going to end up. Whether I feel incredibly distant or incredibly desirous of contact, or feel very close to someone. I never know.

Not being able to predict others is one thing; not being able to predict me is very different.

Get Down to Business!

2009-01-24T00:19:00.002-05:00

I'm done with this. I've been slacking and god does it show. I'm tired all the time, weighed down by poor eating and self-loathing. This is the deal--veggies and fruits. No more silly empty useless calories, stupid white bread, processed cheese. Miss Jill has influenced me, but more than that--I'm crazy and that doesn't do much for me. But I will achieve perfection and my life will be perfect. Screw self understanding or responding to my body; my body has done nothing my fuck me over--my body needs sleep, not my mind; my body wants food, my mind is drugged by food.

BPD Breakdown

2009-01-20T19:57:00.003-05:00

I cannot pretend anymore. I am sick; I won't ever be normal. I just lost it with my animals. Out of nowhere I was overwhelmed by anger. I don't know where the anger came from or what I was angry at. I was just angry. The easy answer was to say that it was the dog and cat and their not getting along. But I honestly thing that was only an excuse.

It was anger from nowhere. It was an overwhelming need to dig into myself. To hate myself. Not one thing about it was rational or responsive. Nope. I wanted to gush blood. I wanted to get into the ER, but I was too scared. I want someone to say "I see." But I won't let me get close enough to appreciate their concern.

Stuck. . . I think

2009-01-11T20:24:00.002-05:00

I don't know where I am in terms of mental health. I don't know if I'm getting sicker or healthier or going nowhere. I am a little disconcerted about this stage in my life. I feel somewhat distanced from me. AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Craziness.

2008-12-16T09:41:00.003-05:00

I lost it. I don't see what other people see. I don't know why and it scares me. I purged last night and I had a horrible headache afterward. Every time I stand up, my head throbs quite a bit. I'm not sure what I've done, but I'm not sure I intend to stop.

I see the warning signs. I know where I am headed; the question is whether I care. Today I don't. Tomorrow I might. Craziness at it's best.

I'm afraid of who I am. I'm afraid of who I'm not, who I should be, and why I am not that person. I am so confused about what other people see; it isn't what I see and I know my reality isn't real. I am playing all the trigger games. How long until I give in?

My mind is in chaos. I cannot go on like this; should I try? I don't know where I am going and I don't know why I am even going. That's it. I'm lost. I cannot even read the map; in fact, I am not even sure I can find the map. I might not even be looking. I'm so lost.

2008-12-12T12:44:00.002-05:00

2008-12-11T22:31:00.003-05:00

They say. . .

2008-12-10T20:29:00.002-05:00

They say I'm strong.
They say I'm a fighter.
They say I'm brave.

If only they knew. I'm not brave, I'm desperately hiding from everything that scares me. I'm not strong; I've been hiding behind the ED and SI for years. Those things support me, not psychic strength. I never once fought. I had time and time to try, to say 'no', but I never once did. I didn't fight; I submitted.

2008-12-05T10:51:00.001-05:00

153

2008-12-04T00:49:00.001-05:00

8am--151

2008-12-02T22:49:00.001-05:00

156.

2008-11-24T01:59:00.001-05:00

157.